I am a very random badger.

An Odyssey Through Madness

Down to Business. Here it is, an online copy of the random quote book: volume one, I am a very random Badger. The random quote book is a miniature notebook full of quotes that sound completely odd out of context. And when I happen to remember where it is in time to put something funny in it, random quotes are born.

...And now, on with the Quotes...
-"My room smells like burnt shoes."
-"I came, I saw, I bubbled."
-"No, they're gonna blow up your turkey."
-"What?!? A Dancing goldfish?!?"
-"I have rabbits in my locker."
-"I go to ceramics to eat cheese."
-"Ding-dong, I'm the clean-up bell."
-"Why in the hell would anyone want to eat a grasshopper pie?"
-"You can have an ox live under your bed."
-"I did say hi, I just didn't see you."
-"I had to drill holes in my frog."
-"It IS worse than it is."
-"Do robots have ears?"
-"Maybe if I was fat, I wouldn't be blue."
"Well, would you rather be fat or blue?"
-"Why would you steal a lawn mower?"
-"Hey! I'm dating that whore!"
-"You can only die so many times before it starts to affect your self-esteem."
-"Do vampires pee?"
-"This smells like him, no wait, that's cardboard."
-"Why are you cutting a hole in it's head?"
-"Pomegranate, snack of the new millenium."
-"You smell like a hoagie."
-"Never use a random tissue from your bed, it may have pins in it."
-"He lives on my piano. Because he's dead."
-"What if you have a car you can't take apart?"
-"So people are driving down the street and say 'Gee, I don't need my engine anymore.'"
-"Don't make me laugh, if I laugh I'll swallow my nose."
-"No, damn them all to Spain."
-"Cherry Coke and Pickles."
-"What's your favorite word? Mine's pants."
-"I swear, you CAN hear voices in the refridgerator."
-"How often do you get to swing through the trees using nothing but your ass?"
-"There's a horse up my angel's ass."
-"There are too many three letter things: AT&T, ADT, MCI, Bell Atlant- nevermind."
-"I am NOT going to be a pencil."
-"No, you'll just sit on me."
-"At least I can spell beetlehopper."
-"I have a semi-almighty mentor/rolemodel and I wasn't informed?!?"
-"I think brain tumors are gonna take over the world."
-"Post-it's make the world go round."
-"Who needs self-esteem when you have post-its?"
-"There was no ninja turtle named Da Vinci."
-"Of course elves can read, what a silly question."
-"Hoosa, hoosa, hoosa, hoosa, hoosa."
-"Show no signs of pep, and maybe they'll go away."
-"Math is the language of Satan."
-"I have no urge to eat potatoes."
-"It looks like a distraught onion."
-"They don't make stirling silver frying pans."
-"She got sick in the hallway and exploded."
-"So, you like trees?"
-"When in doubt, quote the llama."
-"Thank you, gravity."
-"My duck can control Jupiter."
"You don't have a duck."
-"Your mutant thing has five toes."
-"Um, dude, Barney IS purple and green."
-"When in doubt, quote the hama?"
-"I'm gonna die your brain purple as soon as I get it."
-"My mother's a musical intrument."
-"You can't see me, I'm a pile of mud."
-"You look like a turtle on crack."
-"Everytime I smell lipstick I think of my brother."
-"You get West African on the garbage can, the garbage can gets West African on you."
-"I swear, I'm gonna live on a street that has telephones in the middle of it."
-"We are NOT making a chain muffin."
-"You fixed your halibut with caffinated popcorn?"
-"You sound like a pig on crack."
-"Rabbits don't go neigh."
"My rabbits go moo."
-"Remember how books fly."
-"Scar is a busty fat women."
-"Saint Catherine is a guy?"
-"Ubza, ubza, ubza, ubza, cat food."
-"It's the orange that destroyed Tokyo."
-"That blueberry tasted suspiciously like an apple."
-"The solution to all the problems of the world is pie."
-"My cat's the mother of Mozart."
-"You are a very random badger."
-"I just stabbed the sky and ate a lawyer."
-"You ate my sympathy."
-"He's precious all right,he tried to bite my head off with Mr. Bojengles."
-"Duuuuude, vortexes rock!!!"
-"There are no gnomes in hell."
-"All hail the omnipotent toad."
-"I'm gonna worship Paul Bunyon."
-"He essentially raped her."
"As a swan?!?"
"Well, he was a really big swan."
-"I'm keeping them in order, five, six, four."
-"It's not a box, it's a plastic...box."
-"London broil comes from a different part of the pig than bacon."
-"The sky is overrated."
-"It's a caterpillar humping a french fry."
-"My calculator can go rot in hell."
-"It's the butt-crack of the earth!"
-Your hair smells like Barbie."
-"W'jood jood."
-"What's a berry?"
-"It's a garbage boat?"
-"It's the divine poncho!"
-"I can do five times twelve, I just can't do twelve times five."
-"This doesn't all fit in my brain."
-"I said kick his ass, not slap his ass."
-"Milan is the fashion capital of Spain."
-"Do not lick my calculator!"
-"The white-out is going to shit on your grave."
-"I was never Shania Twain."
-"I do not have a hairy butt! My butt is cute!"
-"That kid lives on my bus."
-"The monkey lady said we didn't have to."
-"We're not suicidal, we're homocidal, get it right."
-K:"Cissy's on drugs."
Cissy:"So am I."
-"Everybody pick a W word.'
-"I like to eat my pencil."
-"Look at me, I'm Cissy, and I'm complaining."
-"Which one of me am I?"
-"I'm not a frog."
-"It starts with a C.'
'Crazy, no wait, that starts with a k.'"
-"When you look at it, you can hear it."
-"My status has risen. I'm almost equal to food."
-"Oh my god! Laura made a noise!"
-"Dog is D-O-G.'
'So is god.'"
-"My marshmellow got BIG."
-"The knife is blinking."
-"Propane's an expensive way to die."
-"The kinky devil inside me is very much dormant."
-"Her eyebrows are -like- over her eyes."
-"Why do birds need car keys?"
-"I don't like having caramel stuck on my ass."
-"Help! I'm stuck in a Dr. Suess book!"
-"Guidance is being an ass? Shouldn't guidance be more than one ass?"
-"You can't find your butt?"
-"Is Boston Harbor near Pearl Harbor?"
-"All is going well... 'cept he's dying, but he's very wealthy."
-"How'd you get 475 out of 50?"
-"If it was healthy it wouldn't be green."
-"Peanut butter is bisexual."
-"Your cheek's defective!"
-"I'm a suicidal gingerbread man."
-"Why do I have an obsession with dead irish guys?"
-"He said bugger. I love him."
-"You have many eyelashes."
-"Two positives equal a negative."
-"I have more fingers than you."
-"They make blue grapes now?"
-"Be honest; Do I remind you of a carebear eraser?"
-"Someone get me a pool and the British Prime Minister."
-"Evil people do not resemble cabbage patch dolls."
-"Your subconcious is not a person."
-"Did you just say I g'know?"
"I didn't say I g'know, I thought you said I g'know."
-"Laura's gonna marry a hemroid."
-"You weren't born, you sprung, full grown, from raw sewage."
-"You know what else is a funny word?... cow."
-"I love how zero is the anarchist!"
-"Bigbird was a manslut, it's all about the Snuffy-babe."
-"My bike helmet was full of gumballs."
-"I love brain-thoughts."
-"Six foor, seven foot, something, banana, Daylight com and me wan go home."
-"You're the one who convinced me not to spail fanish."
-"My brain is pissing me off."
-"Not that superman, the real superman that doesn't exsist."
-"Stay away from me you little chalk monkey."
-"What else can be used as a nuclear moderator?"
"A hot dog?"
-"It's like a window to your ass."
-"The wind is blowing very difficultly."
-"She got hit in the head with a 6 ft tall flying penis."
-"I'm Elmer Fudd and I want to get a good gwade."
-"Stop smelling my grandfather!"
-"Who knows what kind of doorknobs they've been touching."
-"Why do you squeal like a dying pidgeon?"
-"Tissue wannabe."
-"You're only jealous 'cause Kelly's wearing the giant condom and you're not."
-"He's happily distracted with his little war now."
-"You're just falso happy!"
-"I got attacked by a bottle of Dr. Pepper today."
-"God, now I sound like your mother. Which is bad, 'cause I said we're like sisters earlier. And we're all wives."
-"My box is gonna bleed all over the place."
-"And your dad will be attacked by a giant penguin and that will be the end of him."
-"We've sodomized piglet."
-"Am I France?"
-"Bite me, I'm a donkey, hee haw!"
-"He said everyone was out to get me, he said nothing about inanimate objects!"
-"I have no feeling in my backpack."
-"Electrons do not have bananas."
-"I keep forgetting I'm Asian."
-"You're made of Arsenic?"
"No, this is my arsenic sweater."
-"Sorry, I'm on a low ass diet."
-"What? He whated a what?"
-"Who designed this climate?"
-"You're chewing on my shoulder."
"Yeah? Well, puddle!"
-"I can just picture going home and having God be sitting there and say 'You're spiffy.'And I'd just look out the window and say 'Wow. God thinks I'm spiffy.'"
-"Smiling is evil."
-"Wow. I feel much weirder now."
-"I don't wear anything to work. I run through the Christmas trees naked."
-"We're gonna go to Mars and turn it into a disco theme park."
-"We need the generic fox to get us to Taiwan 'cause I want my kiwi!"
-"Pay attention to the video and put away the penises."
-"I've played Aladdin, am I him?"
"In a word? Yes."
-"There's nothing cooler than an old man with a shovel."
-"Aren't gingerbread men meant for eating? Or is that just a weird thing we do in England?"
"Damb you Brits and your need to consume food!"
-"We had a big discussion on how many people Bill is."
-"I wish everyone a merry x-mas, and I hope your head stays mucus free."
-"How the heck does a printer frolic?"
-"Didn't I already 'cause a civil war?"
-"You sound like a dying wolf-cow. You want to howl at the moon, but you can't 'cause you moo!"
-"Amusing in a monkey-like way?"
"Aye. Not just a monkey, but a monkey armed with a small banjo with which it plays the themesong to Green Acres."
-"We had a second world war and I didn't know about it?"
-"Don't even call my mule orchid!"
-"Both my parents work, and I wasn't put in a sack and beaten."
-"You live with a bunch of gay chickens."
-"Do I listen?"
"Obviously not, as you've eaten my assignment pad, and I haven't even been eaten by a t-rex."
-"Are you the love child of a chicken and a ferret?"
-"What shape is it?"
-"Smell my knee. No, seriously, smell my knee."
-"And there was floating."
-"Did somebody spike your olives?"
-"He's like Madonna the monkey."
-"Yes, we're going to take pornographic pictures of a Pokemon trainer."
-"Well, I am a MonkeyCat."
"Purple Monkey Dish-washer?"
-"Applejuice is like cooking your toungue."
-"They held hands? That slut!
-"That's how terrorism begins. Too many damn honor roll students."
-"That's it. Down with the enviroment."
-"What would people look like without noses?"
-"You're not lint-worthy!"
-"You are a strange craving for a taco."
-"You can either be a pimp-daddy, or a hamburger."
-"The monkees ruin all Kodak moments."
-"Well, fine, you don't have Zimbabwe pants."
-"There are alot of words in the dictionary."
-"You can use me, I can always be a car."
-"Mark Twain is Lisa!"
-"Yay, statues full of blood, yay."
-"Willow has the fashion sense of a tea kettle. A blind tea kettle."
-"Maybe the soccer ball has a boy growing out of it's butt."
-"All we need is a needle, thread, and some shelac."
-"This just in: the library of congress has been notoriously emptied since yesterday."
-"I'm nice to me. And possibly Cher."
-"I hate God. Stupid God. I swear to God."
-"It's a love-hate relationship. You love him, he hates you."
-"I've improved. I no longer hit myself in the head with the javelin."
-"We have a reason to live now. We cannot crawl into a hole and die because my gum does not promote tooth decay."
-"I think it's cold."
"I think you're sexist!"
-"I don't know, the chair just gives off a homosexual aura."
-"Aren't you glad you've got feet?"
-"Yes! I am Brad Pitt!"
-"My name is Footy McFoot-Foot."
-"I don't have a yak you little dick!"
-"You know you're not a midgit for Christ sakes!"
-"How many ducks can you fit in a small cracker?"
-"I speak for the people. Or possibly the Maggie. Same thing."
-"AH! I know who your father is!"
-"I'm half man, half amazing."
-"Oh, you don't have to think."
-"A pit of jello would be fun, but the stickiness could be a problem."
-"They're racist against bunnies, dammit!"
-"It's like we have a big sign that says 'Hey you! Yeah, you, the musical-loving freak! Post here!!!'"
-"Josh is officially not the neon orange crayon."
-"Your hair is karma?"
-"Why are we British all of a sudden?"
-"We're high on Ben's deodorant smell."
-"The window's like: 'Geez, I'm not Fabio.'"
-"What's to stop buttons from becoming cappuccinos?"
-"Being satanic makes everything better."
-"I'ma bend over and a dog's gonna fall out of my ass."
-"You psychopathic gnome!"
-"If I commit suicide, will you kill me?"
-"There's nothing like knowing how to climb in to a flaming bus."
-"Mario's a little bitch."
-"Grammar is for sissies."
-"Since when are you me??"
"Since the time you were me. Bitch!"
-"I want to titrate babies."
-"It's probably in my social studies notebook, with everything else I need for the rest of my life."
-"Frizzy, upside down eyebrows."
-"Well, I saw this fuzzy thing and apparently it was his head."
-"You'll be so dead you'll be a Mexican."
-"Do cannabalistic mailmen eat anyone, or just other mailmen?"
-"It's not a lap dance, it's an erotic shimmy."
-"I bet if I had chalk, these shorts would make a really good chalk board."
-"It looks like a premature, deformed bunnny with down syndrome after being run over by an out of control pick up truck careening down route 66, being driven by angered and disgruntled rhinos who haven't had their coffee for the morning and are in danger of being fired by their boss, who is a castrated penguin having marriage problems with his wife."
-"Do not fill the baby with bees."
-"I go 'ha ha bonk.'"
-"Clowns on Special K go ha ha bonk."
-"I am the penguin queen."
"I am the lizard queen."
-" Domination via explosive, flesh eating mangos! A HA! The world is out burrito!"
-"You poison me and I'll poke you!"
-"Just because my pants got stolen doesn't mean I'm naked!"
-"I am not a hampster. Manda may be a mango, but I am not a hampster."
"I am a roll of extra strength duck tape."
-"I didn't say they didn't like you, I just said they enjoy seeing your head go boom."
-"I'm turning my living room into hell."
-"I'm a lesbian cow."
-"I am not a kick-and-learn piano."
-"Back up off my woodchuck, bitch!"
-"We've had this conversation. I get to kill Pierce Brosnan, you get to put your pants on inside out."
-"The teddy bears are the nazis."
-"Unless Karen gets so pissed she has sex with you."
-"Bush likes to eat dead people."
-"It's a happy package of misery."
-"And that's why Barney is a pedofile."
-"Hey, look at me, I'm a semi-colon!"
-"Yes. Everyone always listens to me. I'm a subliminal message, only not subliminal."
"Plus, intelligent people ignore you and simply talk to your Chair."
-"Everything I know about spleens can be summed up in one word: YUM."
-"Darn doctors, making people NOT die."
-"My face pokes dead people?"
-"What the hell is Vermont?!"
-"Hey, you leave my flaming halibut out of this or I'll sew your mouth shut again, and then how will you eat people's organs?"
-"She looked like a deranged chipmunk! On Speed!"
-"And does Tommy count?"
"He is why I am a woman."
-"I have lots of suntan lotion because you are very burned."
-"You won't have time."
"Yes I will if I spit my banana gum up your nose."
-"I can sprout wings out my ass and fly like a frog."
-"I'm a heartless square of wheat. Get it right, yo."
-"I think hippos are cute. I want to be a hippo."
-"There are going to be no genitals on this moose."
-"My new best friend is... my foot."
-"Francis, king of squirrels is really a cheese weasel."
-"Yes, this is my porn phone."
-"Yes, 'cause that's what we're famous for, sex in giant cowboy hats."
-"I don't want a bamboo calculator, I want to know the answer!"
-"I didn't say you, I just said you."
-"My fish was already on fire."
-"So's your playing monopoly with said shaved licked sheep."
-"It's not my fault they made with the wild monkey sex in a children's book!"
-"Tapestries in general are just awesome because they're carpets that get put on the walls and who put a carpet on the wall?"
-"I'm sorry, that's offensive to all those who really have been hit by sixteen ton weights that drop out of the sky."
-"Jesus was a vampire!"
-"How cool would it be if you could get drunk from eating pine needles?"
-"My mom hitchhiked to Cissy's shirt."
-"Boobs or slaves?! Boobs or slaves?!
-"I could be a randomly molesting dead person!"
-"I'm the newer, improved Jesus. What I say, goes."
-"I felt like the Rosa Parks of the bus."
-"I'm a spoon?!"
-"Now shut up and play nicely with Hitler."
-"Your tissue box has a butt-crack."
-"Just because her husband's imaginary doesn't mean she's a lesbian!"
-"I hope you get eaten by a rhinosaurous."
"That would tickle"
-"Are you raping me for a reason?"
-"Why would I wish you were a weird word?"
-"If I act enough like a rabbit, the word will pop into my head."
-"You clap like you hiss!"
-"I discovered butt-sex!"
-"Obviously the South is a hermaphrodite."
-"Y'all want to date-rape my hair."
-"Yes, I have personally cooked Barney."
-"We're gonna go to war because Alessa likes cake."
-"I hope you get hit by a bus! Driven by a saber-toothed Lowell!"
-"Don't stop touching nothing."
-"My nose says touche."
-"It's not like I was a murderer, I just got drunk and killed someone."
-"That's her 'I'm filming penis' finger."
-"Or Elvis' evil twin, slut."
-"For years, this room has often smelled of maple syrup."
-"You fail AP Language because I didn't collect your arm hairs."
-"Do mermaids breastfeed?"
-"You only get a random crotch shot if you're gonna die."
-"I like your face better than a buttcrack."
-"Do not whistle with the buttcrack."
-"Do not blow the turtle."
-"It's a sex pen."
-"Cissy stands for Cher Cockroach."
-"Why do I feel the need to spontaneously succumb to gravity?"
-"They're having telepathic ant sex."
-"We'll hijack a Canadian priest."
-"I'm kind of glad my grandmother doesn't randomly morph into a school."
-"If you can sacrifice ants, I can sacrifice pears."
-"No, your feel smell like vinegar."
-"Alright, I'll go get the sword and a blanket."
-"So you do have a purple penis."
"That would be so cool!"
-"The bunny is happy, therefore I am not."
-"That is one sexy tomato."
-"I can't tell which way your hair swirls."
-"Piglet is the Messiah!"
-"My dog has a house. I don't have a house."
-"Brian Molko is Pip."

Last Updated February 16th, 2003